Too busy to follow all the world, state, and local news of the moment? Then News for Dummies can help! Every two weeks, Anya Martin will fill you in on the hottest topics with a sense of the absurd and a right-of-a-center viewpoint.
WORLD NEWS
People are once again alleging aliens, but this time they’ve taken it too far. A journalist took “alien corpses” to the Mexican Congress for a hearing on UFOs. They were found in toxic algae mines (yes, I know how to google), and yet they couldn’t just be deformed human remains? Oh no, don’t be absurd, it’s absolutely aliens, don’t ruin the fun. This journalist has already been debunked on other claims of aliens, having presented five mummified human child remains in 2017, claiming they were aliens. The face is the only part of that picture that looks remotely human, except it has a nose, and skeletons don’t have noses.
You really expect me to believe that that was still there 1000 years later? And carbon dating is horribly inaccurate. The “bones” are much too square to be real, it looks like Wall-E but not a robot. It looks like something in a Pixar film. No way am I falling for this absurdity. How often do you find 1000 year old bones? It’s got three fingers, for crying out loud! We all remember trying to do that thing with your fingers in elementary school where you put your middle and pointer finger and ring and pinky finger together. (Which I can do by the way, not that it’s important.) Seriously ridiculous. Why are our governments wasting our time with this? Get over it.
STATE NEWS
A man convicted on charges of the first-degree murder of his former girlfriend, escaped from prison earlier this month. Danilo Cavalcante, who was sentenced to life in prison, escaped from Chester County Prison (up near Philly) on August 31. What proceeded was an almost two-week long manhunt. Rather impressive, honestly. When he was caught, it was discovered that he had intended to flee to Canada. Which makes sense, because Canadians are historically pushovers so they’d just let him do his own thing.
LOCAL NEWS
Seems Beaver County is a boring place, and I don’t feel like paying for the Beaver County Times, so…
Maybe interviews would be a good way to get more local news?
If not I will figure something else out.
