A statue of Julius Caesar stands, hands outstretched, on a red background. (Iam_os, Unsplash)
A statue of Julius Caesar stands, hands outstretched, on a red background.

Iam_os, Unsplash



October 4, 2021

Way back when Julius Caesar was senator he had a rival: Cato. At the time, there was this big scheme going on, which was an attempt to overthrow the consulship (a consul is a chairman of the Senate in Ancient Rome) of Marcus Tullius Cicero. Cato was absolutely positive that Caesar was in on it and was going to prove it in any way, shape, or form. 


    In the midst of a riveting argument between Caesar and Cato, Caesar was handed a note. Back then, before technology and everything, note-passing was basically texting, so in this context, Caesar was being very rude. He’s in the middle of a heated political debate and just decided to open the paper (phone) and read the message (text) and probably would have written a note (text) back if it wasn’t for Cato.


    Scandalized that Caesar would dare read a note in the middle of his angry ranting, Cato demanded that it be read out loud, and that it be read by Cato himself. See, in his head, he was 100% positive this was a note proving that Caesar was a part of the scheme, and that he was talking about it right under their noses. 


    Caesar probably shrugged, or whatever they did back then, and handed him the note. Cato then opened it, and began to read it. Out loud. Himself. 


   Basically: it was a rather inappropriate message from Cato’s very own sister. That’s right, Caesar had gotten a sext from Cato’s half-sister, Portica, and was reading it while in a political debate with her brother. Again, to recap: Caesar had gotten a sexual note from Cato’s married half-sister decided to let him (Cato) read it out loud with everyone present. Like a normal, well-adjusted human being. 


    Cato, like an equally normal and well-adjusted human being, got very flustered and threw the note back at him, reportedly saying, “Take it, you drunk.”


And that, my friends, concludes the story of Julius Caesar’s “love” letter.

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About the Writer
Photo of RYN DEW
RYN DEW, Staff Writer
Ryn Dew is a junior writing and publishing major who has a passion for history. They have been featured in the literary anthology Glassroom, and is a staff member for BatCat.

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